I am a gambler risking all on one throw of the dice and if he loses he doesn’t even care cos he knows this was a gamble worth taking

I am a gambler risking all on one throw of the dice, and if he loses, he doesn’t even care, cos he knows this was a gamble worth taking. Afterwards he can say at least I tried. I have always gambled a lot on you, from the I understand night onwards, money but more gambled on showing my emotions in front of everyone & risking humiliation, and I have always got a lot back! Most of the time I went home having lost, in suicidal shame and despair at what I had lost, at what it had cost me in money, and emotions, but when I won, the wins were SO big, that it made up for all the losses. Now the stakes are getting higher! I am gambling bigger than ever before! Laying down more money & risking more than ever before. But I am playing for something that is the only thing that makes life worth living. If I don’t gamble big, I will lose it. To do is to dare. To dare is to do. You have to speculate to accumulate. What am I going to say, count my money, and add it up, add up the chances, and say no, it is too much of a risk, I’ll just let —— go!? I will always gamble everything on you, always risk everything on you, all my money, all my emotions. In front of everyone at the Scotsman I let my emotions show. At the Scotsman I am as naked as you are.

She said she couldn’t understand why I had this tunnel vision just sticking in a job that only pays £–,—, what will you do when you are an old man

She said she couldn’t understand why I had this tunnel vision, just sticking in a job that only pays £–,—, what will you do when you are an old man, who will look after you? I said all I cared about was paying my rent, and having enough money left over for drink, “and strippers” she said, completing the sentence for me.
When she arrived at Starbucks I went to get cappuccino for her. Later that night as I picked up my book to go to Charing Cross, I saw she had written xx Love you! on the edge of one of the pages! The same page where I had written “Say something nice to me” and she had written “Why don’t you go home?”!!! She is funny.

No matter this money I will get can pay off my credit cards and let me go back to Brussels and Berlin and Vienna and Munich and live more wildly than ever before

No matter, this money I will get can pay off my credit cards and let me go back to Brussels and Berlin and Vienna and Munich and live more wildly than ever before. I will f–k more big-breasted Otto Dix whores than ever before. If she doesn’t want to live together with me, too bad. I will go on seeing her on Saturdays at Flying Scotsman and go travelling on my days off to Europe for the whores.

Our relationship is like Dirk Bogarde and Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter

Our relationship is like Dirk Bogarde and Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter, where they are playing and laughing and chasing each other around their room, then she locks herself in the bathroom. He demands she opens the door IMMEDIATELY, but before she does she smashes one of her perfume bottles on the floor, so when he bursts through the door in bare feet he walks on the broken glass, and she just grins at him nervously, like a naughty girl.
We seem to like to do little things to hurt each other; or at least we just can’t seem to stop ourselves. It is becoming very sado-masochistic.
I live on scraps. I scavenge in the rooms, around the marble throne where the Kaiserin once sat.
*********I got to work and checked my MSN and found an email from J– C——- to say he had the pleasure of offering me the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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